Welcome to my blog, “Living with Chronic Fatigue: Becoming Stronger By Being Made Weak.” Thanks for taking the time to stop by. At first glance, you might wonder how “living with chronic fatigue” and “becoming stronger” could go together, particularly if you have either lived with fatigue yourself or have known someone who has. (There are definitely days when I wonder about it myself!) You might think I somehow made a typo (lots of them!), or that in my fatigued state, I’m become delusional…. And there are moments when I wonder, too, if perhaps I have. !! But in my more sane moments, when I can get out of my own way and think beyond my limited self, my experience with fatigue has taught me that it is, indeed, possible for them to go together. There are times, in fact, when it seems to me that they have become inextricably entwined. Crazy? Maybe. True. For sure. At least for me, for now. And I am honored to share my experience with anyone who might be interested, or perhaps, intrigued, or even, skeptical!
For over three years now, I have been given the opportunity to experience what life is like while living with fatigue. [For anyone who has not had this “opportunity,” what I mean by “fatigue”–which is not the same as sleepiness–is an ever-present tiredness…a constant heaviness almost behind my eyes…a persistent lack of energy that affects me physically, socially, and emotionally. I have described this before as feeling as though everything in me is somewhat suppressed–my energy levels, my brain function, and according to my husband, even the volume of my voice!] I have undergone many, many tests in an attempt to discover the source of this fatigue, and in the hopes of being diagnosed with something, of having some disease or condition or syndrome to pin it on. So far, I got nothing. With the exception of the very real, ever-present, life-altering fatigue. And while this time in my life and in the life of my family has definitely not been easy, nor something that I would have deliberately chosen to experience, there really has been much good that has come of it. So much good, in fact, that I have truly come to consider this season in my life, marked by the appearance and persistent not-going-away-ness of this fatigue, as a Gift. A gift presented in some downright ugly wrapping paper, to be sure! But a gift nonetheless.
There are moments, of course, and even days, when I feel deeply discouraged by all of it–the low energy, the resulting forced limitations, the reduced activity level…and the ways all of that seems to negatively affect my husband and kids, my friends and others around me, and even faraway relatives. And in those moments, I cry. I mope. I feel sorry for myself. I get angry. I get depressed. I send text messages and emails (to a very select few who I think don’t mind getting them!) that say, “This SUCKS!!! I hate this!!”
But there are also moments when I see the good, when I recognize the gifts, when I realize I am grateful, when I would not only wish this experience on my enemies but even more fervently, on some of my most cherished loved ones! 🙂
And so I set up this blog, with the intention that anyone who wants to stay updated on my “condition,” and/or follow my progress, and/or have a glimpse into my mind and soul as I reflect on and learn from this season of my life, can.
Thanks again for stopping by! And by the way, I’d love to hear from you–your thoughts, your experiences, your comments…. Be well!